In the spring of 2024, I went on my first international mission trip, to Peru. It was a beautiful time as we partnered with a church in Urubamba to equip their people to evangelize the area in the power of the Holy Spirit. We saw God move powerfully everywhere we went, as He lined up Divine encounters for us as we traveled.
The crowning moment of this trip for me was preaching the gospel to our tour guide in Machu Picchu, right in the spot where the Incas would sacrifice to their gods. This felt so significant to me, and I will never forget the joy on our tour guide's face (Katerina) as I shared the good news of Jesus with her.
This trip awakened something in my heart and I began to envision myself preaching the gospel in every country. I even did the math in my head on how many countries I would need to visit per year to accomplish that goal in the next 40 years. Of course, in my vision of how this would play out, I would save all the dangerous countries for last. I would only travel to the countries now which I had deemed safe, and in which I felt comfortable to bring my 9 year old so Elijah, who always traveled with me and who I had never left.
Although this felt like my own vision, I knew it was God's dream for me, and it felt awesome and scary all at the same time. He began to bring things into alignment, confirming that this was indeed His desire for me: prophetic words spoken over me, Scriptures highlighted to me, and connections with others who had the same heart for missions.
At the same time I dealt with an intense amount of spiritual warfare as the enemy assaulted me with lies: "This isn't your calling. You aren't {fill in the blank} enough to do this. You need to just stay home and be a wife and a mother." Etc. Etc. Yet, every time I doubted, God would continue to confirm His calling on my life.
Around mid-summer, I received an invitation to go on a quick weekend trip to Saltillo, Mexico to minister at a church there and do outreach along the way. The team was planning to take a van from our hometown of Austin and drive across the border and into Mexico. In my mind, this was an immediate hard pass. No way was I going to leave my young son and drive across the border, where the cartel was certainly waiting to kidnap and murder me as soon as I crossed. (Thanks Google.)
I reminded God about my plan for what missions was going to look like for me, and how, clearly, this did not fit my blueprint. However, as you likely know if you're a follower of Jesus, God's desire for me was not to stay in my little box of what I felt was comfortable and safe. No, He wanted to grow me, teach me, and bring me into a place of trust and full surrender. This rarely happens in our comfort zones.
He began speaking to me about trust, overcoming fear, and surrender. He told me to go and confirmed it multiple times. So I said yes and then the real work began. Overcoming my worries about leaving Elijah and driving through a country on a Do Not Travel list, battling my own fears while also dealing with his. Listening to him cry about me leaving and wake up in the middle of the night telling me he didn't want me to go, and worrying that I wouldn't come back. It seemed like every book we read and every movie we watched, the mother died. This only served to stir up our emotions even more.
What if I didn't come back? I was promising I would, and every time I felt scared I would go to the Lord and He would reassure me with His Word (Psalm 91 was key for me) and also with His promises over my life. Still, the enemy would whisper (as he always does) ..."Did God really say? What if...?" . So I had to move past the what-if's and trust. Part of that trust was believing that even if something did happen and I didn't come back that God would take care of my boys. Because He loves them more than me and I'm not the one in control.
God spoke to me through the story of Abraham, who was asked to sacrifice his son. Although Isaac was Abraham's pride and joy, and a long-awaited promise fulfilled, He immediately began making the trek up the mountain to obey what God had said. He even called this sacrifice "worship", and it was the first time the word for worship was used in the Bible. Abraham trusted God and He trusted God's promises over His life, promises to make his descendants as numerous as the stars. He knew that God was able to raise his son from the dead, if necessary. What a beautiful picture of trust and surrender. God ended up providing the sacrifice and Abraham and Isaac returned together down the mountain. The test was over and God knew that Abraham truly trusted and was surrendered to Him.
We were making good progress as September rolled around. I still had some fear and Elijah did too, but God was with us and He was growing us and preparing us for what was to come. And then, September 7th, I received an unexpected phone call that no one ever wants to receive. My mom was in the hospital, in critical condition. I rushed there as fast as I could, booking a last-minute flight to Kentucky, getting delayed on a layover, and just praying for a miracle the whole time, as her situation got worse and worse. I asked God if it were her time to go that I would at least get to say goodbye. He granted that request as her heart finally gave out, less than five minutes after I arrived at the hospital.
In shock and grieving, those next days became a blur as my siblings and I dealt with everything after her death. Her memorial was scheduled for early October, a week after I was supposed to go on the Mexico trip, and a week before I was schedule to speak in Florida at a missions conference. I decided not to go to Mexico, as I felt that three weekends of back-to-back traveling was going to be much too stressful on my family, not to mention that I was in a state of grief over my mom, and still battling my own fears about going. Surely God did not want me to go still, and I reminded myself that sometimes God asks us to go through a process simply for the process, but the destination can end up different than what we thought.
Six days before the team was scheduled to leave, God began speaking to me about Mexico, through a sermon shared at church. I started to feel like I had canceled prematurely. Yes, I had good reason, but was that really what God had wanted me to do? Or did I just choose the easy path? Sometimes we forget that the easy way isn't always God's way. In fact, it usually isn't.
I had rationalized in my mind that it didn't make sense for me to go still, given recent circumstances. Too scary, too stressful, too much. Yet, I couldn't ignore God's voice, for I know when He speaks to me. I told Him that if this was His will, that I would still go, but I needed to know for sure that this was Him. I asked Him for a very specific sign: that someone would tell me I still needed to go. Knowing what I had just gone through with my mom's death, who would actually tell me this? If someone did, it would be a sure sign from Him.
The next day, as I began homeschool with Elijah, we flipped the page to a new unit, and we happened to be studying Mexico next. What a coincidence. I voiced this out loud to Elijah. "Wow, it's funny that we are studying Mexico next when I was supposed to be in Mexico this weekend." What he said next shocked me so much I nearly fell out of my chair. "I think you're still supposed to go to Mexico Mom. I really think you're still supposed to go."
With everything that he had gone through emotionally dealing with me leaving, and still not being 100% sure of my safety, for this to come from him was a sure miracle. We talked about it a little and I told him I would think about it. Inside, I was still a little shocked and I asked God for one more sign, so I could realllly be sure. He graciously provided not only that sign, but several others over the next two days and when I reached out to the team leader and asked to talk (only 3 days before we were scheduled to leave) he knew immediately that I was going to ask if I could still go, to which he responded a resounding "YES".
Now that it was official that I was still going, all the old fears came back, mixed now with the stress of all the traveling, and grief about my mom. Yet I knew that God had called me to this and I trusted that He would give me (and my family) the grace for traveling, and whatever else we needed along the way. (He also provided exactly the amount I needed to fundraise for the trip in the few days prior to going.)
Leaving my house at 4 thirty in the morning to go wait for the van outside was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I didn't sleep at all the night before, and Elijah had woken up in the middle of the night, upset and calling for me. I was so nervous that he would wake up again as I was leaving, but thank God he didn't.
The trip was wonderful and (spoiler alert) I made it out alive. None of my fears actually came true, and I really never felt unsafe during the 9 hours of driving each way. What I had envisioned driving across the border and through Mexico to be like was far from what it actually was. Not only did God move powerfully through us as we ministered in Mexico, but He ministered to my own heart and brought so much peace and healing to my soul during my time there. He also made several adjustments in my future travel plans that made things much easier once I returned.
A beautiful truth of the Kingdom is that as we go out to bless others, we end up so blessed ourselves. And that's exactly what I experienced when I went to Mexico. I felt Jesus so close to me on this trip and time after time He blessed me through the people I ministered to, through songs, the incredible team we were with, the beauty of His creation, peace about my mom, and so much more. And the closing sermon on the last day we were there was, of course, preached on Abraham's obedience to sacrifice his son even when it didn't make sense.
After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, "Abraham!" And he said, "Here I am." He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. ... But the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven and said "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here I am." He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me." Genesis 22:1-3, 11-12
For me, going on this trip to Mexico was my Abraham/Isaac moment. We all have one of these and will come to it at some point during our walk with God. This was a crucial step for me, one I had to complete before I could be entrusted with the rest of God's calling on my life. I'm happy to say that, by God's grace, I passed the test. And I know my mom was in heaven cheering me on.
I've learned so many things over the past few months that it will likely take months to unpack it all. But the main thing is this: God is faithful. He is trustworthy. He is worthy of our yes. Even when it's stressful. Even when it's scary. I realized that, prior to the last couple of months, I did trust Him, but there was an if. I trusted Him if He stayed within the parameters of what I decided was safe. What this boiled down to was that I trusted Him if I was still in control.
Yet to truly follow Jesus means to recognize that He is the one in control, and to surrender our lives accordingly. It's to be willing to obey Him no matter the cost. Even when it's scary, hard, and doesn't make sense. It's to believe and to live like He is truly the Lord of our lives. It's to remember that He is good and more than able to give us everything we need to fulfill His plans for our life ... and not only that but to abundantly bless us with more than we can ask, think, or imagine along the way.
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